Silent Screams

I feel a strange loneliness today. It's like I need a huge huge amount of love to survive and I get none of it. My world seems to be falling apart. The people I wanted to be with me forever are not here anymore. I pushed everyone away. And so here I am, with no one by my side.
I smile throughout the day, but my soul is hollow. I feel dried up, with no energy. I know I have this big problem of needing continuous attention and love, and absence of these make me feel awful. There are sad songs playing on my phone. I am going through depressing screenshots. I need a shoulder to cry on, I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that they will love me no matter what.
I feel like there is no one who could cope up with my unexpected mood swings.

I want to get rid of my life routine. I feel like leaving out of the blue to some unknown destination. I need this space for me where I could cry, laugh, dance, sing, cook, write and do everything I think people won't accept me for. Because this is what life is! We come alone and we go alone. And no matter how much I need people and their love, sometimes I feel like I need no one.

Feeling sad and depressed and getting over it is weird. The sadness may keep you engrossed in it for days or months sometimes, and sometimes you may come out of it all of sudden, feeling very happy.
And this happiness is credited to one call from your lover, or your favourite food, or sometimes when you wear your favourite outfit and maybe when you go out and see different things and places.
It takes a little effort or the correct moment which can leave you with butterflies in your stomach and make you want to live life.

But today I guess it is one of those days when the grief has consumed all of me. I feel like I am drowning in it and there is darkness all around. No hand, no smiles, no shoulder is there for me to balance my life. And I wish that I get one of those reasons to eliminate this sadness, although it seems difficult.
I wonder if I will ever be able to laugh again with genuine happiness.
I wonder if I will ever be able to get the things sorted out.
I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone who will fall in love with who I am, with all my flaws and my imperfections.
I wonder if I will ever wish to live more.
I wonder, wonder and wonder!